It’s official, Rebecca and I are moving in together! After two years of having separate houses, paying separate bills, and packing overnight(hoe) bags (and my backpack, iykyk) – we have decided that the time has come to combine households.
And, at this moment, I can’t decide if it’s a BIG DEAL or not.
Stud Pad…
I’ll be ditching my stud pad and moving in with her at the end of the month. The decision to move into her place instead of mine was easy because, although I love my place, I’m hardly ever there. This entire year has had me feeling like I’m just giving away money each month and using my condo for storage.And what a nice storage unit!
The unit is next to the most popular avenue in Playa Del Carmen, two blocks from the beach, and when you walk inside it you’d swear you’re in Italy or something – what with its stone floors, stacked-stone pillars, and tall ceilings and large open windows. But I will admit, I wouldn’t have seen the potential of this space prior to it being remodeled were it not for Rebecca (shoutout). Even still, for us it’s more like a fancy weekend get-away spot.
Femme Pad…
Rebecca’s home feels more like home. I felt it years ago, from the first moment I walked into her home. While it’s simple and not overly grand, it’s a place you never want to leave once you step inside. Coffee is brewed first thing in the morning and I start my day writing to the soft sounds of coffeshop instrumental tunes before she wakes up. By the time she announces her descent down the stairs, warming up her vocals to a familiar melody of “Stud, Stud, Stuuud!”... (I love it when she revises songs just for me) I’m well into my zone. After breakfast, she makes her way back up the stairs to spend the next few hours diligently recording for big names like CBS, CNN, and Hallmark – there are too many to name – occasionally coming down to sit next to me, breaking up the monotony of the work day.
Candles and incense are like a call to prayer, signifying that evening time has arrived and it’s time to “play together” which really just means “be together”.
Gardening and cooking. Singing and laughing. Lovemaking and arguing. Talking big sh*t as well as having in-depth conversations about any and everything. They all take place in her abode. We have great memories there.
While I tend to not stay in one place for very long – finding a new and better apartment at the end of a lease – Rebecca has been living at her spot since I’ve known her. While it feels like we’re taking a vacation when we go to my place on the weekends, we both know where it feels like home.
The other reasons that we decided it would be best for me to move in with her instead of vice-versa are (1) Her rent is half the cost of mine. That’s not an exaggeration. (2) Her place is already set up for her to record in her studio full time – for that reason alone we already spend the majority of our time together at her place. (3) The final but most important reason is because we’re engaged now! I popped the question in Santorini (check out the proposal in this article) and she said “Yes, stud. I will marry you.”
That’s how she said it. Just like that.
Calling all studs and femmes and everything in between…stay connected.
Reasons We Waited To Uhaul
But we’re lesbians, and it’s two years later. What happened with the Uhaul? You know, the stereotype that lesbians tend to move in together after a very short period of time. What took us so long to make the big move?
After spending some time thinking about it, I realized our reasons for waiting actually had a lot to do with travel. From the very beginning, we were intentional about waiting to move in together. We weren’t trying to avoid the stereotype. We had a lot to consider.
Exploring New Worlds
For nearly a year into our relationship, we lived in separate countries. She lived in Mexico and I lived in Ecuador and then Colombia. She loved Mexico for her reasons and was working on getting her residency, and I loved Colombia for my reasons. We waited for the other person to fall in love, in the same way that we had, with the places we called home. The fact was, we both loved where we were living and had solid reasons to stay, but we wanted to be with each other. It was clear that we were at an impasse.
We made an easy compromise by visiting each other for the first six months we were together. We shared two different residences in two different countries. Looking back on it, it was pretty dope. We were exploring, what felt like, whole new worlds together. When we were in Playa Del Carmen, we had the beach and the Black queer expat scene. There was always something to get into every night! But Playa is hot as hell, so Medellin gave us a reprieve from the heat. We enjoyed the food better in Medellin and we had much more city to explore.
Premature Cohabitation
Another reason we waited is because in both of our previous relationships we lived with our partners. We wanted to take our time before making that move again. Even with one another.
When we met we were living on our own. Being wild and free. Living our best life! Cohabitating wasn’t something we wanted to rush back into. Especially if we were going to be entertaining other people…
Polyamory
Yes, we both identified as polyamorous when we met. I’ll be honest. I was more or less exploring the idea of being poly. It turns out, I’m plain ol’ monogamous. But, in the beginning, we wanted to be able to explore our poly lifestyles, and doing so under the same roof would have been… challenging. We weren’t about to be playing those games.
Financial Security
Pretty early on we realized that we didn’t have the financial urgency to combine resources. For many people, combining or sharing resources begins to make sense early on in a relationship. You love each other and are spending every possible moment together anyway. Why not save money while doing so? Split dem bills! Believe me, we talked about this too. But one of the reasons we both moved abroad was because the cost of living in the places we chose made our resources extremely manageable. So saving money by moving in together wasn’t a good enough reason. Although my rent is twice what Rebecca pays, and we’re looking forward to ditching that monthly expense, it’s still less than what most people pay for a one bedroom apartment.So the cost of maintaining two separate households, while one sat empty, wasn’t the end of the world for either of us.
Preserving New Relationship Energy
The final reason was that space and distance prolongs the excitement and energy that come with being with a new partner. That New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is no joke. It’ll have you feeling like you’ve found the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with – AND DID!
We wanted to preserve that for as long as possible. When Rebecca first proposed this to me – prolonging NRE, I was skeptical. I’m a burn hard and fast kinda lover: (a) Let’s move in together, (b) get married, (c) have a baby, AND then three months later, let’s talk about it. Fortunately, I’ve never successfully made it to having a baby, but not from a lack of trying.
When Rebecca and I first got together, the energy was super intense and had it been possible to knock out the abc’s, back to back, we would have. But space and distance forced us to slow down. In hindsight, I’m grateful because I can see how it prolonged the NRE. It made us long for and appreciate the moments when we finally did come together. And it gave us the time we needed to figure out what we really wanted.
And Still We Waited…
When I finally did move to Playa (check out this article to learn more about why we chose Mexico) we still opted to keep separate places for the reasons that still applied.
I’m gonna keep it real though. Once we were living in the same area, we could have just as well have moved in together. We were laid up under each other all the time. We just wanted to “be up each other’s butt” – as we like to say. Maybe it’s a lesbian thing. Maybe it’s a new relationship thing. Or maybe it’s just what you do when you’ve found someone that you enjoy being around. Whatever the reason, we effing love being together – and I hope that never changes.
Finally. The Uhaul Milestone
Even though this move makes it official, we’ve practically been living together already. Yet it still manages to feel significant somehow – in the same way it did to put the ring on her finger, even though I’d known since meeting her that I wanted to marry her. There are reasons why getting engaged and moving in with someone are referred to as milestones. They are markers in time. Momentous occasions. Events marking significant changes. It should feel that way. Significant.
It turns out, this move is a BIG DEAL.
Conclusion:
It’s a big deal for me, in particular, because I’m giving up my place. A home that I love. One that chose me as much as I chose it.
Even now, I’m laying in my bed writing this, with Rebecca knocked out beside me, knowing that this is one of the last times I’ll sleep here. Our lives are merging and, in doing so, we are giving up a part of our independence. Parts that we clung to that, for us, represented our individualism… our identities. Parts that we were deliberate in preserving over the past couple of years. And while I don’t have any regret or hesitancy, I can’t help but pause and look back over my shoulder at the distance we’ve traveled, separately and together. We’ve covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time. That feels good. Looking ahead, I can only wonder about all of the milestones we have yet to reach. My confidence that we will reach each of them, comes from one thing: Knowing that I’m on the journey with my soulmate – someone I choose to wake up next to everyday. No matter where we are in the world.
